


Meglos-o-mania

by KB9VCN



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-31
Updated: 2002-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-02 19:33:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8680675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Written December 2002; humor/parody; about 3600 words.
For Brad K. Willis' Fall/Winter 2002 Challenge.
http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=20021014225302.10542.00010376%40mb-me.aol.com
Write a story using characters from Seasons 18-21 ('Leisure Hive' through 'Twin Dilemma') in which some aspect of the 'canonical' timeline is altered.  The change can be as small or as major as you like.  The only restrictions regarding alterations are: 
Either the characters' personalities or the setting may be _totally_ reinvented, but not both.  That is to say, either the 'Doctor Who' setting or the 'Doctor Who' characters must remain recognizable.
Stories cannot be set Outside Continuity or in any existing alternate-reality setting.  Meaning, no TTR, 'Badlands', 'Dragon Lines/Space Vixens!', 'King Arthur in Time and Space', etc.  
Stories can be any length, any style.  The more ingenious your tangent, the better!
Brownie points will be awarded for including any of the following:
-an unsent letter-chanting-a gift-a premonition-fire in the sky-someone saying "Watch your hands."
The Challenge period will end December 31, 2002.
I went for the "reinvent the setting" option.
THE TIME:Probably sometime in the 1980s or 1990s.
THE PLACE:A small university campus and the town around it.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:—THE DOCTOR, a semi-retired professor, a caretaker at the university greenhouse, and a generally lovable eccentric middle-aged Englishman.—ROMANA D. VORATRELUNDAR, a recently hired professor, a frequent visitor to the greenhouse, and a generally lovable eccentric young Englishwoman.—MEGLOS, a large and not particularly lovable eccentric cactus.—SOME GUY who gets possessed by MEGLOS.—OTHER PEOPLE whom you probably don't care about.
I'm sorry about the title.  I'm afraid that it was the best one that I could think of.
This contains weird slapstick violence and brief (male) nudity (offscreen).  Reader discretion is advised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written December 2002; humor/parody; about 3600 words.
> 
> For Brad K. Willis' Fall/Winter 2002 Challenge.
> 
> http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=20021014225302.10542.00010376%40mb-me.aol.com
> 
> Write a story using characters from Seasons 18-21 ('Leisure Hive' through 'Twin Dilemma') in which some aspect of the 'canonical' timeline is altered. The change can be as small or as major as you like. The only restrictions regarding alterations are: 
> 
> Either the characters' personalities or the setting may be _totally_ reinvented, but not both. That is to say, either the 'Doctor Who' setting or the 'Doctor Who' characters must remain recognizable.
> 
> Stories cannot be set Outside Continuity or in any existing alternate-reality setting. Meaning, no TTR, 'Badlands', 'Dragon Lines/Space Vixens!', 'King Arthur in Time and Space', etc. 
> 
> Stories can be any length, any style. The more ingenious your tangent, the better!
> 
> Brownie points will be awarded for including any of the following:
> 
> -an unsent letter  
> -chanting  
> -a gift  
> -a premonition  
> -fire in the sky  
> -someone saying "Watch your hands."
> 
> The Challenge period will end December 31, 2002.
> 
> I went for the "reinvent the setting" option.
> 
> **THE TIME:**  
>  Probably sometime in the 1980s or 1990s.
> 
> **THE PLACE:**  
>  A small university campus and the town around it.
> 
> **DRAMATIS PERSONAE:**  
>  —THE DOCTOR, a semi-retired professor, a caretaker at the university greenhouse, and a generally lovable eccentric middle-aged Englishman.  
> —ROMANA D. VORATRELUNDAR, a recently hired professor, a frequent visitor to the greenhouse, and a generally lovable eccentric young Englishwoman.  
> —MEGLOS, a large and not particularly lovable eccentric cactus.  
> —SOME GUY who gets possessed by MEGLOS.  
> —OTHER PEOPLE whom you probably don't care about.
> 
> I'm sorry about the title. I'm afraid that it was the best one that I could think of.
> 
> This contains weird slapstick violence and brief (male) nudity (offscreen). Reader discretion is advised.

Meglos sighed.

Or rather, he imagined himself sighing. Of course, he couldn't actually sigh.

Meglos was a cactus.

His being a cactus was, in fact, the reason for his not sighing. That is, it was both why he imagined himself sighing, and why he couldn't actually sigh.

Of course, there were many other plants all around him that were not sighing either. But this was only partly for the same reason that he was not sighing. That is, they couldn't actually sigh.

He was different from the other plants all around him. He had imagined himself sighing because he had hopes, and aspirations, and dreams. The other plants seemed content just to grow, and bloom, and cross-pollinate, and not sigh.

But still. Meglos had to face facts.

Or rather, he imagined himself facing facts. Of course, he couldn't actually face facts, what with his not having a face.

Being a cactus had its limitations.

Yes, he had a nice warm greenhouse for a home. His climate was carefully controlled for maximum health and comfort. And he got all the water he needed. It wasn't much, since he was a cactus, but still, he had to be grateful for getting what little water he needed. He knew that there were cacti in under-developed countries that would have given a branch for his easy life.

He had friends, after a fashion. The occasional tumbleweed came to visit, now and then. And there were several lithops in his plot. He had given up trying to debate politics and religion with them, though. Honestly, those lithops were as dumb as a box of living rocks.

He had companionship. There was a nice lady cactus in the plot next to his own. He imagined that he had caught her eye. Of course, he had to imagine it, since she didn't have eyes.

And he had entertainment. Every once in awhile, some profoundly stupid college student would ignore all the "Do Not Touch" signs and the caretaker shouting 'Watch your hands!'— not to mention the most basic common sense— touch him, and run away screaming.

But Meglos wanted more.

He wanted adventure, and thrills, and excitement. He wanted money, and power, and money, and fame, and lots of money. He wanted sports cars, and mansions, and yachts, and maybe even a big-screen TV.

He wanted to feel the wind on his face. Heck, he wanted a face.

And, of course, Meglos wanted to take over the world.

He thought constantly about the ancient cactus civilization that had once ruled the Earth. He dreamed about that golden age.

It was easy to rule the Earth back then. All a cactus had to do was to stand around patiently, and wait for all the profoundly stupid animal life to brush against it, and run away screaming.

The less profoundly stupid animals cowered in fear of the cacti, and the more profoundly stupid animals didn't matter, since they were so profoundly stupid. And so the cacti ruled the Earth.

But the animal life had slowly grown more intelligent, through the eons. Not that much more intelligent, on average, of course. There were still quite a few profoundly stupid college students.

But, as surely as cacti don't dance, the animal life had, on the whole, finally learned their lesson, and stopped brushing against cacti. And the era of dominance by cacti had come to a sad end.

And yet... Meglos had hope.

He had a premonition, when he hadn't got up this morning, having stood around patiently all night, what with his being a cactus.

He had a feeling that big things were going to happen to him. He could hardly wait for fate to smile upon him.

Well, that wasn't true, either. All he could do was wait. He was a cactus, after all.

—

"A gift?" the Doctor asked.

Romana stood at the doorway to the greenhouse. She had held out a large wrapped package, as soon as she had entered the greenhouse and closed the door behind her.

"Happy birthday!" Romana said, smiling cheerfully.

The Doctor grinned a toothy grin as he opened the package. "I'm touched. And I'm sorry, I don't even know when your birthday—"

He held his present up by one end, and watched it unroll down an aisle of the greenhouse. "Ah. Well. This is... nice. But it's the longest, narrowest throw rug I've ever—"

Romana giggled. "It's a scarf, silly! Put it on."

"Oh. Alright." The Doctor pulled the scarf up, and looped it over his broad shoulders, two or three times over.

He shifted his shoulders slightly, and pulled at his collar. "It certainly is..." He paused just long enough to grimace. "...warm."

Romana smiled wryly. "Yes, well, I didn't actually intend for you to wear it here, inside the greenhouse."

The Doctor held one end of the colorful scarf up, and looked at it more closely. "Did you knit this... all of this... yourself?"

"Yes," Romana said. "I took up knitting to pass the time at the faculty staff meetings. I wasn't doing anything useful with all that time, anyway."

"Mmm..." The Doctor agreed, as he took the scarf off and set it aside. "The Dean can be quite verbose."

Romana perked up. "Oh. That reminds me." She reached into her jacket, produced an envelope, and handed it to the Doctor. "The Dean was going to mail this to you, but he gave it to me when I mentioned that I was visiting you for your birthday."

The Doctor smiled again as he opened the envelope. "How nice. Perhaps the old fellow sent me a birthday card."

Romana bit her lip. "I doubt that. When he handed it to me, he said something along the lines of, would you please give this to that idiot who wastes all his time pottering about in the greenhouse, instead of teaching classes, and doing research, and attending faculty staff meetings."

The Doctor opened the letter, and read it. "Oh dear," he said.

Romana put a hand to her mouth. "Is it serious?"

"Not really," the Doctor said, grinning again. "All it says is, you idiot, quit wasting all your time pottering about in the greenhouse, instead of teaching classes, and doing research, and attending faculty staff meetings."

He turned to a paper shredder behind him, dropped the letter in, and turned it into compost for the greenhouse. "Don't know why he bothered, really. He calls me on the phone, now and again, and says pretty much the same thing."

"Doctor?" Romana asked. "May I ask you a personal question?"

The Doctor had turned again, to a maze of pipes against the wall. He fussed at the controls for the sprinklers in this part of the greenhouse. He answered without turning. "Well, you've knitted me a lovely birthday present. I suppose the least I could do is to answer a question for you."

"Exactly why do you waste all your time pottering about in the greenhouse, instead of teaching classes, and doing research, and attending faculty staff meetings?"

The Doctor let the sprinklers run for a moment before shutting them off. He walked into the greenhouse, between raised plots of lush green plants. "Romana?... Do you remember Professor Borusa? The dear old fellow that used to potter about in the greenhouse, instead of teaching classes, and doing research, and attending faculty staff meetings?"

Romana followed him. "Afraid not," she said. "He was a bit before my time."

"Well, when I was your age, I used to come to the greenhouse to visit him, rather like you come to visit me, now. And I once asked him that very same question."

"What did he say?" Romana asked.

"Can't remember, exactly," the Doctor said. "He went off on some tangent, about how he once asked that very same question of the dear old lady that worked here before him, and she..."

Romana mused to herself, with a worried expression. "Oh dear. I suppose I'm destined to take your place, and evade the question myself, someday."

The Doctor's voice had fallen, and he had also been mumbling to himself, as he leaned in to inspect a random plant. He stood up again, and turned to Romana, and noticed her worried expression.

"You dear girl," he said. "You look like you're worried about something. You should take up some nice relaxing hobby, like pottering about in a greenhouse."

"Instead of stressful things like teaching classes, and doing research, and attending faculty staff meetings?" Romana asked.

The Doctor grinned. "Exactly."

Romana also smiled, and relaxed again. "Oh, I could do worse, I suppose. It is nice here. And relaxing. The plants are all so beautiful..."

She looked around her, but then she stopped and made a face. "Except for that big old cactus. I don't like that at all."

The Doctor grinned wider. "That old thing? It's been here for years. It's never hurt anybody... Well, except for all those profoundly stupid under-graduates. Honestly. You set out signs, and you shout, 'Watch your hands!', and still, they—"

Romana cut him off. "But just look at it. It looks... well, I don't know... dangerous."

"It's a cactus," the Doctor reminded her. "It's covered with nasty big pointy needles."

Romana persisted. "But there's something else. Can't you feel it? There's something... evil... about it..."

The Doctor grinned even wider. "Why, Romana. It's only a plant. It's not as if it's standing around patiently, waiting for an opportunity to take over the world."

—

"Explain this again," Professor Grugger demanded.

Caris sighed. It had got late, and there were lots of other things the brilliant young foreign exchange student would prefer to be doing on a Friday night— instead of explaining a mind-numbingly complicated research problem to his surprisingly stupid project supervisor, in the basement of some physics laboratory.

Most of the things involved beer and co-eds, and sadly, both of these were rarely found in physics laboratories.

"The power through-put of the dodecahedron crystal mass is fluctuating wildly," he explained, not at all patiently. "So, I'm going to increase the violence of the baryon emissions."

"Huh?" said Grugger.

Caris sighed again. "I'm going to zap it with lasers."

"Oh," Grugger said. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

Caris held up a pair of darkened safety goggles in his hand, as he put his other hand on a large exposed knife switch. "You should put these on first."

Grugger looked at the goggles in surprise.

"The lasers are really really bright," Caris explained, even less patiently.

After making sure Grugger had managed to put on the glasses, Caris pulled his own goggles over his eyes, and he threw the switch.

—

A couple of fraternity brothers happened to be walking just past the physics laboratory when it exploded.

They stopped to watch a large part of one wall fall away. Small fires burned on long counters, quickly destroying irreplaceable research notes. Automated sprinkler systems switched on, quickly enough to prevent the fires from spreading, but far too late to save the notes. Thick smoke and steam began to pour out of the ruins, and then water from the sprinklers began to flow out of the building and across the ground in front of the building.

Amazingly enough, one laser was still firing through the crystal. The beam was slightly diffused by the crystal, but it burned brightly as it slowly rose up from the ground along its length.

One of the two fraternity brothers pointed at the flooded smoking ruins of the lab, and spoke. "Dude. Smoke on the water."

The other brother pointed at the light of the laser beam, as the diffused rays were reflected by the billowing clouds of smoke. He also spoke. "Dude. A fire in the sky."

—

Grugger and Caris stood within the flooded smoking ruins of the physics laboratory. Caris' hand was still on the switch.

"One laser is still zapping," Grugger noted.

Caris sighed. "Don't worry. The breakers should trip any— ah, there they go." The laser, and the few remaining intact lights in the room, went dark.

Grugger and Caris continued to stand within the darkened flooded smoking lab. After an awkward pause, Grugger spoke again. "Why don't we get out of here, before the building collapses on us?"

"Well, I don't know about you," Caris said, "but there was a massive electrical surge. A bolt of electricity burned through the insulated handle of this switch, and went through my body. My nervous system must have been shorted out. I seem to have been paralyzed. In addition to that, my shoes may have been fused to the floor, but I'm afraid that I can't turn my head to see... Oh dear. I think my clothes are still on fire... Oh well, the sprinklers should put them out before I drown in the rising water."

"Ah," Grugger said. "I suppose I should call an ambulance."

Caris sighed again. "I'd appreciate it."

He wasn't likely to find beer and co-eds in an ambulance, either, but still, he found himself hoping for its speedy arrival.

—

The laser beam had fired at an angle that gradually raised it up from the level of the physics laboratory basement.

Unfortunately, it struck some guy, just as he passed in front of a nearby greenhouse. It immediately began to do horrible things to his body, as laser beams in poorly written science fiction stories often do.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the force of the only slightly diffused beam threw him back, through the glass of the greenhouse wall.

As if that wasn't bad enough, it threw him further into the greenhouse, and literally pinned him against an old cactus with nasty big pointy needles.

And, as if THAT wasn't bad enough, just before the breakers cut off the laser beam, it somehow fused his body into the stem of the cactus, as laser beams in poorly written science fiction stories rarely do.

—

Meglos sighed.

But then, he bolted in surprise. He had actually sighed.

And then, he bolted in surprise again. He'd bolted in surprise.

He paused briefly, trying to decide what to do with his new-found mobility.

He briefly considered going for the big-screen TV first.

But then, he thought, _no. Let's take over the world first. The big-screen TV might be difficult, if I don't take over the world first._

Of course, the big-screen TV would have actually been quite easy. All he had to do was to apply for a high-interest rate, hidden-fee-laden credit card, and charge it. But he couldn't have been expected to know this. One of the benefits of being a cactus was a complete freedom from junk mail credit card applications.

He looked down at the cheap suit he was wearing in irritation. Not only was it cheap, and old enough to show some wear on the cuffs, but it wasn't very warm either. He was forever grateful to the human that had sacrificed itself for him, but he wished that the human had dressed better.

He suddenly used his new-found mobility to shiver. He was still standing before the shattered greenhouse wall. He became even more irritated with the human that had sacrificed itself for him. He wished that it had opened a window before hurling itself into the greenhouse.

_Ah,_ Meglos thought. _Procurement of additional clothing. Then, take over the world. And THEN, the big-screen TV._

He made his way to the Doctor's scarf and put it on. He promptly tripped over the loose ends and fell on his face. He cursed, in the ancient cacti tongue, before remembering to be grateful for having a face.

Walking more carefully, he opened the greenhouse doors, left the building, and closed the doors behind him. He stepped out onto the public sidewalk that ran along one side of the greenhouse.

He found himself face to face with a sweet young college co-ed. She took one look at him, and ran away screaming.

_Hmm,_ Meglos thought. _I should be pleased. She didn't even have to brush against my needles first._

And yet, it was something of a blow to his fragile male ego.

_Well. Perhaps a more human appearance would be appropriate._

He thought of the Doctor, since the Doctor was the only human to come close to him on a regular basis. And he felt himself grow taller, and his hair went curly, and he suddenly felt an urge to return to the greenhouse and waste his time pottering about.

He strode away, towards the physics lab. He had only a vague idea of its location, but it was easy to find. Someone had made a clear set of high-intensity laser beam scorch marks, to mark the path.

Then Meglos came to the flooded smoking ruins of the laboratory, and sighed.

_Oh dear,_ he thought. _This won't do at all. The physics lab was the only place on campus with both the raw materials and the technology to create the nasty big pointy weapons he would need to take over the world._

Well, what now? Could he raise an army? There was no shortage of profoundly stupid college students around here. Why, there were two of them right here, looking at the lab.

He sighed again. No, they won't do. Without weapons, they'd be profoundly stupid cannon fodder. And they wouldn't have weapons. Most of them had used what little political voice the government gave them to call for stricter and widening regulations, and the inevitable outright bans, on personal firearms. They'd be quite easy to conquer, after he found someone else to conquer them.

He briefly considered drafting the lithops in the greenhouse into military service. Briefly.

And then, the two profoundly stupid college students walked up to him.

"Hey, Doc," one student said. "Could you hear the explosion from the greenhouse? Really something, huh—"

Then they both froze, as they got a closer look at him.

"Dude," the student said. "Are you, like, having acupuncture?"

Meglos cursed to himself. His transformation was not complete. _Well,_ he thought, _a test of their intelligence, then. Let's see if they can handle the truth._

"No," he said. "I am a man possessed by a cactus."

The two profoundly stupid college students looked at each other. Their eyes widened. Then they turned back to Meglos.

"Dude. Peyote?" the first student asked. "Whoah. What else are you growing in the greenhouse?"

"Dude," the second student said. "Like, 'Just Say No'."

"Yeah," the first student agreed. "Like, let's just drink beer. That's not a drug."

The two profoundly stupid college students suddenly chanted in perfect unison. "Beer! Beer! Beer!..."

Meglos tried to take advantage of the profoundly stupid college students' invocation of their sacred rite of passage to sneak away. But he tripped and fell on the Doctor's scarf again.

The two students helped him to his feet. "Dude! Are you okay?" the first student asked.

Before he could answer, the second student spoke. "Dude. We're having a party at the 'Savants' fraternity house. Want to come? We've got plenty of beer."

They began chanting again at the mere mention of their beverage of choice. "Beer! Beer! Beer!..."

Meglos winced. It was not from falling. It wasn't even from the really annoying chanting. It was from the concept of nick-naming a fraternity "Savants"— and without an "Idiot-" prefix.

"Er, no, thank you," Meglos said. "I'm rather busy with—"

"Dude. The 'Deons' sorority will be there," the first student added.

They suddenly began chanting again. "Babes! Babes! Babes!..."

"Look, you two profoundly stupid college students," Meglos said. "I've got more important things—"

But then, the second student mentioned an irresistible incentive. "Dude. We're gonna watch the ball game on the fraternity house's big-screen TV."

Meglos smiled. The achievement of his ultimate goal had been so much easier than he anticipated.

—

The next morning, Romana walked past the greenhouse to find the Doctor standing outside it, watching a couple of men replace a large pane of thermal glass.

"Doctor?" asked Romana. "What happened?"

"That's what I'd like to know," the Doctor said. "The first I'd heard of it, I got a call from the campus police, about five o'clock this morning. They'd gotten a call about a disturbance at the 'Savants' fraternity house.

"The fraternity members swear that I was there, at their Friday night party. But the police contacted me at home, so they knew the fraternity was using a false alibi.

"It turns out, they must have broken in, around the same time the physics laboratory exploded last night. They stole the scarf you made me, along with that big cactus. Maybe they were having a scavenger hunt.

"But, about four o'clock this morning, a sorority girl came into a room, and found the uprooted cactus, wearing my scarf over a cheap suit. Oh, and there was some guy lying naked on the floor in front of the cactus."

"What happened?" Romana asked again.

"Oh, Romana," the Doctor said, kindly but irritably. "Think!"

"Of course," Romana said. "She ran away screaming."

—

Meglos sighed.

He had actually sighed, even though he was just a cactus again. Perhaps it was a lingering after-effect of his transformation. Or it might have been his deep disappointment overcoming the limitations of his cactus form.

Or it might have been his hangover.

He promised himself that, the next time a freak accident fused him into the body of some guy, he wouldn't go to a fraternity house and drink beer— no matter how big their big-screen TV was.

Not only had the beer somehow undone the fusion of his stem with the human, it had left him with the worst hangover he'd ever had.

Of course, it was the only hangover that he'd ever had. He was a cactus, after all.


End file.
